Something about my look today suggested Republican sympathies. I made this what-in-the-samhill face while typing this story. I don’t think my face betrayed me during the actual event.
I spun into my optometrist’s office - as it turned out, it was not a self-closing door, so I spun back to reach for the handle and spun back round - and I said, “How’s it going!” to the lady at the front desk, who looked slightly taken aback, asking what I needed. “Here for a 12.30 appointment,” I replied cheerily, although upset at her befuddlement. I was trying to bring a smile into that office and they just weren’t having it.
So I pushed around a couple issues of Nat Geo on the coffee table, trying to determine which had the most interesting cover, but I was soon distracted by my optometrist talking to his client about the forthcoming apocalypse. “Ha, ho,” thought I, “They must be talking about a poorly football team.” But I would soon find that he was on a political tirade this day. He asked me to come on back, and I chatted jokingly about his working through lunch, and my, he must be starved - although I, myself, did not eat until four today, so I was just totally bullshitting as usual.
He asked what I was doing these days, and I replied Looking into going out to the west coast for a spell. He raised an eyebrow, “Near Berkeley?” He hemmed and he hawed and said, “Luckily, they got smart and backed off on that Assange-Manning thing.” Oh, for fuck’s sake, thought I. This tiny man with the weak voice and the quavering demeanor has, after all these goddamn years, decided to go militant on me. And boy, did he.
Now, I will not disparage the man’s talents or smarts. He is a fine optometrist and I will continue to let him blow air in my eyeballs, although I shouldn’t and maybe I won’t once I get my new contacts. Here are things I learned during my appointment:
- “California and Oregon are going to figuratively fall into the sea. Their budgets are a disaster. They’ll drown in debt.”
- “I grew up in Oregon, as you know.” I’m sure you really have to watch what you say when you visit, not knowing where people stand on issues. (That was a real passive-aggressive zinger I used, see? He didn’t catch it.) ”You bet, so many cars have their Obama stickers, but not a single one for a Republican candidate, and I can tell you, I know why. Their car would get smashed up.”
- “One terrible thing about San Francisco and Portland is that both towns pride themselves on taking care of their homeless. The homeless there are really aggressive, the police are too hesitant to deal with them. So watch out.”
- “Your left eye is stronger even though you’re right-handed. It would be a problem if you were a shooter, but I don’t think you’re the type. Better not be, going to California. Sure they have strict laws against guns. Which will prove a problem when they have all the economic riots.”
At this point, I fumbled for ways to change the subject, boy did I try. I have perfected the art of daily social diplomacy, but things were getting rough. Should I pretend to not know about Assange if he brings him up again? No, because his explanation would be totally ludicrous! Holy crap, now he’s telling me about when he went to the University of Oregon in the sixties and “they” lit the ROTC building aflame! What the fuck! Alright, alright, “SO!” I interjected, fumbling, “I know you’re into hiking. I sure am excited to get out there and explore the mountains and natural scenery!” And even to this he complained of the fauna on the west coast not being deadly enough (although, frankly, he makes west coast liberals sound rather bloodthirsty, so). He said that camping in Florida is better because there is a greater chance of being killed by an animal. That’s when I concluded that the man was totally bonkers. Then I let him put contacts in my eyes. I mean, OK, mister, I know it’s your office and all, but what you’re saying, sheesh!
As I walked into the parking lot, I looked up to the nearby billboard, and let out one, punctuating, “HA!” because it was for Second Harvest, urging us all to help our homeless, including the totally wacky, aggressive west coast ones. I get so much pleasure out of knowing he has to look at that everyday.
